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A study by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), found that majority of respondents 45 and older said they have satisfying sex with partners they find romantic and attractive. The study also found that Americans stay sexually active as they age, but at a declining rate. Among those with sexual partners, more than 60 percent of men and women aged 45-59 said they engage in sexual intercourse once a week or more. That declines to about 25 percent for those 75 and older. "Certainly people who are involved in sexual relationships and people with partners well into their later years are looking at active, pleasurable sex lives," said Dr. Constance Swank, research director for AARP.

Due to a variety of circumstances, including divorce, death of partner or spouse, new treatments like Viagra and retirement, many older people find themselves in a position to be dating or considering becoming sexual in a manner they may not have experienced for some time. Sexuality has developed two pamphlets for persons in this situation. Dating Again includes safer sex messages within the context of overall safe dating practices, while The Fire Still Burns Within deals with changing sexuality as we age.

• Sexual Issues for Aging Adults
• Sexuality in Later Life (from the National Institutes for Health)
• Sexuality in Middle and Later Life Bibliography
• Still Doing It: Women & Men Over 60 Write About Their Sexuality

Dating Again

• Ready for Dating
• Be Who You Are
• Asking Someone for a Date
• Meeting People
• Dating Safety
• On-Line Dating
• The Date
• More than a Kiss at the Door
• Safer Sex Basics

While dating may appear to change radically from decade to decade, certain aspects of it remain the same. People date for companionship and the desire to share their life with another. At younger ages starting a family was a strong motivator and therefore effort was made to find a mate who would make a good mother or father as well as provider. Older people, who no longer are concerned with raising children, may now look for a completely different type of partner-one whom they feel they can enjoy things with and possibly even grow old with. Many of the issues that existed for dating when younger (will he like me, will she think I'm to old, will we like the same kind of music) remain the same. One of the biggest differences between dating in your 20s versus your 60s is experience. Infatuation has given way to instinct, which makes certain aspects of dating easier. However, other things like AIDS, has made other decisions harder. The following guide has been developed to assist persons who are returning to dating after having been partnered or married for an extended period of time.

Ready for Dating

You may find yourself thinking, I have all that I need why do I want to complicate my life with another person? Maybe your children have said, "You should get out more. Maybe take out the neighbor down the street." Dating is not a requirement for any person at any age, so be clear what your motivations are. Women are socialized to believe that in order to live a 'complete' life they need men to take care of them and give them value. Women therefore must assess their own self esteem realizing that they can live a very productive, enjoyable and fulfilling life without a mate. Men, are often led to believe that they need a woman to look after them. However, they too can live quite independently and enjoyably without a woman.

If you have recently been divorced or widowed, were are you in the grief/loss process? Make sure you have done some serious work with regard to grieving your losses, realizing that the process is never complete but wanting to bring your best most healed self into a new relationship. Avoid jumping into a new relationship with open wounds; scars maybe, but not open, festering wounds. Be honest with where you are in your grieving process -- honest with yourself and with the person with whom you would like to begin a relationship. Invite them to be honest about their grief/loss journey as well. By 50 we have all had multiple losses which when integrated can actually transform our lives and make us more interesting, beautiful persons. Conversely, when ignored they can de-rail us and a new relationship.

The negative 'baggage' you carry from past failed relationships can easily be projected onto new ones. Each new acquaintance will possess qualities, both positive and negative, that you will associate with past relationships. Unresolved grief can certainly impact how successful you will be in developing a new relationship. If you find that you aren't sure where you are in the grief process, maybe a support group for surviving partners would be helpful. Hospice, hospitals, community health centers, and churches can all be sources for support groups for divorced partners as well as those who are widowed.

It is also important to note that there is a huge difference between having a man/woman in your life and having a partner. Are you feeling inhibited by the lack of a partner? Does this prohibit you from going to events or functions that interest you? If you answer yes to these questions, you need to learn to become comfortable doing things by yourself or with a close friend so that you don't miss out on activities which bring you pleasure.

If you find yourself saying, but I want to have someone that I can share myself with, be a companion, or grow old together, chances are you're ready for exploring the world of dating.

Be Who You Are

There are a few simple basics about dating. Be who you are. Be in charge of your own happiness and do things which make you happy. Find a partner who appreciates you. The easiest way to be assured of meeting someone that likes the same things as you do is by going out and being active. A lot of the same emotions that existed in high school about dating still exist today. It is a rather scary thought that no matter how old we become, we do want others to find us attractive and dateable. However, the reality, just like high school, is that you aren't right for just anyone. You may find that you develop many good friendships with members of the opposite sex. That's fine as it's always important to have friends to talk with and to do things with. It's very possible that one of your friendships may develop into something more.

Asking Someone for a Date

With the exception of the internet, asking someone for a date is pretty much as it's always been. Ideally, you should ask someone in person so that he or she won't have any difficulty in "placing" you, but telephoning is perfectly acceptable, too. It's best if you've known the person and so have some sense of your compatibility. If you call, mention the last conversation the two of you had together and how much you enjoyed it. Then simply say something like, "I was wondering if you would like to go with me to the (movie, dance, etc.) on Saturday night?" If you are worried about your mind going completely blank when you make the call, make a list of things you want to say before you call. (No one can see you looking at your notes on the phone!)

If the other person should decline, don't take it too personally. Perhaps they feel they don't know you well enough. If this is the case, try to become better acquainted before you ask again. In the event that the person you call declines, simply say something like, "Well, maybe another time." and let it go at that. Don't try to change the person's mind. You will only make a nuisance of yourself. Besides, there is always another time. If you try again and he or she again declines, don't persist. Remember that no means no. Ask another person, and another, until you've found the person that is right for you.

If someone you like calls you for a date, and you aren't available for the time requested, let them know that you are interested and could you reschedule for another time. If they say they will get back to you, be sure the next time you see them that you let them know how much you appreciated the invitation. Since they've already broken the ice, there is no reason that you can't call them and arrange a date. But what if you really aren't interested in going out with the person who calls? You want to turn the caller down gently, and yet you want to close the door to future calls as well. If you are involved with someone else, let them know that. If you are not interested in dating, be honest.

Maybe it wasn't ok when you last dated, but it's now completely acceptable for a woman to ask a man out.

Meeting People

Go out to have a good time. People who enjoy life attract others. Therefore, pursue activities that are of interest to you. If you join the train club with the idea of meeting a man, you'll meet one who is a train enthusiast. Is this how you'll want to spend your time? If not, you may be better off taking a cooking class or some other activity where you might meet someone with similar interests. Some places where you are likely to meet some one might include: supermarkets (many retired persons shop on week days); church; Laundromat; classes; bowling; walking; skiing; clubs; hiking; biking; festivals; auto show; craft show; boat show; sporting events; part time job; bookstore; library; computer store; do it yourself shops; flea markets; yard sales; sitting in the park and reading; shopping mall; health club; bingo; auto races; and senior center.

Dating Safety

Dating safety is not a joke at any age. Below are some basic tips:

• Use the buddy system. There is safety in numbers. Group dates are less tense not to mention extremely safe.
• Be careful about blind dates. If you choose to go on one, double date and agree to meet the person somewhere other than your home. This could save you from stalkings and other unpleasantness.
• Never get in a car with someone you don't know. Always "meet" somewhere on the 1st date. Less romantic but much safer.
• Stay away from secluded beaches and other private "date" spots until you feel comfortable with them.
• What ever you do don't give out personal information until you know that person well . This means address, social security number, bank card, etc. Height, weight (optional), likes and dislikes are okay.
• Make sure at least one other person knows where, when, and who you will be with. For first dates pick a time to call this other person and do so just to "check in" . This might remind you of high school but it could save your life.
• Scope out the restaurant and know where the phones are located. Bring extra change in case you find yourself stranded.
• Go with your gut, if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. Go home and rent a movie or call a friend but never do anything you don't feel is in your best interest.

On-Line Dating

With the arrival of the computer and the internet, a new age in dating and meeting people has arrived. There are many sites on the web for "singles" and many people of all ages spend hours in the chat room trying to make a match. The internet offers a good opportunity to practice talking to people in a dating situation. It's also an extremely cheap date and doesn't require driving around in bad weather or at night. However, there are down sides to the web. Below are some tips from the website Personal Doctors to help those who wish to use the latest in technology in finding true love.

1. Be a Skeptic: "Don't believe everything you read," if they sound to good to be true, they probably are. People lie on-line just as they do in real life. Areas to be particularly cautious about: Marital status and physical appearance. If you've generally been a good judge of people, you'll probably do so in this medium. However, if you aren't sure, ask a friend to help you evaluate someone you've met on-line.
2. Use Tools Wisely: Some on-line personals sites allow you to send and receive e-mail without using your real address. Take advantage of this option if you can. Then use e-mail to get a sense of a person before you further the relationship. Begin to (anonymously) e-mail back and forth, and learn the context this person operates in. Where did he grow up? Where does she work? Who are his friends and family? How is she connected to the community in which she lives? Learning about a person's connections with others is an important way to find out who they really are.
3. Ring Ma Bell: The phone reveals a lot about a person's social skills, and their ability to communicate spontaneously. But do it on your nickel; don't rush to give a stranger your phone number. Now that you're voice-to-voice, if not yet face-to-face, give yourself the opportunity to get a good feeling for what someone is like before you decide you'd like to meet.
4. Resist the Hard Sell: If you are getting pressured to get together, that's probably a good sign that this is a person you want to steer clear of. Also, continue to keep your antennae up. If, as you are getting to know each other, anything seems off, bow out gracefully.
5. Separate Fantasy From Reality: If e-mail has a downside, it's that it allows you to build up a false sense of intimacy with someone. "A person who writes great e-mail is not necessarily a great person," points out Laura Banks, author of Love On-line (Career Press). No matter how wonderful your e-mail correspondent may seem, try to keep some distance - the minute you hear his or her voice, or meet in person, the whole thing may seem wrong. Don't allow your hopes about this person to obscure what you really feel.
6. Use Common Sense: When it is time to meet in the real world, use these hard and fast rules: Don't give out your home or office address; meet in a busy public place during daylight hours; use your own transportation to and from the date; tell a friend where and when you are going; and check in when you get back. There'll be plenty of time for moonlight walks later on!

The Date

Rule of thumb, do things that you like doing so that you are bound to have a good time even if the date doesn't work out. Who pays? Since many people are on fixed incomes, it's best to clarify at the time the date is made about who will pay for what. If money is a concern, start out by doing fun things that don't require any money (i.e. a walk in the park; a free concert; an activity at the local senior center). The idea of a date is to enjoy spending time with another person. It should not be based on the amount of money spent. Feeling nervous? Remember he or she is probably just as nervous as you are.

More Than a Kiss at the Door

If you find someone and the dating proceeds and you start finding yourself wanting more than a kiss at the door, it is time to consider whether or not the relationship will become sexual. Making the decision to proceed with sex is as big a step today as it was in high school. A sexual relationship involves a level of intimacy and understanding that not all couples are comfortable with. Before the relationship proceeds to this level, it is important that both parties are clear about their interests and desires. If you can't discuss sex with your prospective partner, then you shouldn't be doing it.

In high school your chief concern was pregnancy. Today there are other concerns. With age comes issues regarding performance. Most older people want and are able to lead an active, satisfying sex life. With age, women do not ordinarily lose their physical capacity for orgasm nor men their capacity for erection and ejaculation. There is, however, a gradual slowing of response, especially in men -- a process currently considered part of "normal" aging. Women may have issues with vaginal dryness and a shrinking of the vagina wall. However, both conditions can be managed quite well with treatment. In addition, a willingness on the part of both partners to understand what works and what is most enjoyable for themselves and each other will help considerably.

One of the single biggest issues facing all couples who choose to become sexually involved is sexually transmitted disease (STD). There are many different STDs, ranging from gonorrhea to HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Even forms of hepatitis are sexually transmitted. In fact, at least 20 disease have found to be STDs and it is estimated that more than 10 million American men and women are infected with one. Because not all STDs have recognizable symptoms, many people are not aware that they are infected with a transmissible disease.

Contrary to popular belief, HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, is rapidly occurring among older Americans. It does not mean that older people are more prone to HIV but rather, not a lot of information has been given to them as the myth exists that older people aren't sexual. If someone says I'm fine and I've never had any disease, that unfortunately may not be true. Therefore, it is important that all couples, regardless of age, practice safer sex (activities which reduce the likelihood of becoming infected with HIV or another STD).

While contraceptive is generally not an issue for most older couples, if you are a man involved with a younger woman, be sure that contraception is part of the discussion. Not many men are really going to be comfortable becoming a father in their 60s or even older.

Safer Sex Basics

Confine sex to a mutually faithful partner. Be selective. Beware of smooth talkers; have sex only with a partner who will make you feel secure about health concerns; and know the name and phone number of your partner. Talk with your partner about sex before the heat of passion. Don't let your partner remain silent. Find out about your partner's health and sexual history. Make conversations about health a natural part of your sexual relationship. Alcohol or mood-altering drugs can be dangerous as it may lessen your ability to make responsible choices as well as hinder sexual performance.

The highest amounts of HIV are found in blood and semen. HIV is present in smaller amounts in vaginal and cervical fluid (especially if a woman has a vaginal or cervical infection). Very little HIV is present in saliva, sweat, and tears; these almost certainly cannot transmit AIDS. Anal and vaginal intercourse account for most documented cases of sexually transmitted AIDS, while oral sex accounts for relatively few cases. These cases occurred in situations where an infected man ejaculated into a partner's mouth when another STD was present, or there was bleeding gums.

Activities that are high risk include: unprotected anal intercourse; unprotected vaginal intercourse; and sharing needles (for drugs, piercing)

Lower risk activities include: unprotected oral sex on a man; unprotected oral sex on a woman; vaginal or anal intercourse with a condom; sharing sex toys without protection.

No risk activities include: Masturbation (alone or with a partner), hugging, touching, massage, kissing, fantasy, using sex toys (don't share unless you use a new condom or clean thoroughly before using again).

Latex condoms should be used with a water based lubricant (K-Y, Astroglide) for vaginal as well as anal intercourse. Both condoms and lubricant are readily available at drug stores and even places like Wal Mart and K Mart. Many health clinics have both readily available. Do not use oil based products like Crisco, Vaseline, Baby oil as they can destroy the condom. If you are allergic to latex, there are condoms made of polyurethane (Avanti) that are very good. The female condom, which is made of polyurethane, is also a good idea as it allows for some spontaneity (it can be inserted up to eight hours prior to intercourse) and it eliminates the problem of the man sustaining an erection while putting it on. Many clinics carry samples of the female condom.

If you have been exposed to someone with a sexually transmitted disease, go to your doctor, clinic, or health department for testing and treatment. Urge your partner to be treated at the same time. Do not have sex until you and your partner have been tested and are considered disease-free.